Siamese Black Magic

We get all sorts of letters here at Digital Tibetan Buddhist Altar -- really quite a considerable number arrive every day -- and I usually handle them as a private matter. However, in the following case, I thought I might make an exception. This is the letter we received:

Subject: I WAS BLACK MAGIC (SIAMESE) FOR EIGHT YEARS

Dear Sir, I was sick by  siamese black magic for 8 years. A lady sent me hot fire through my blood vessels 24 hours targeted my sex organ which is now not functioning. I am a married man age 51 years old. Please help and sent back hot fire to the naughty lady. I have get some medicine but cannot cure. I do nothing wrong to her; she is only jealous to me. Please pray and sent the hot fire (siamese black magic ) to her. 

I attached her photograph for praying. Her name is [deleted], Date of Birth: 8 Disember 1952 .

I hope you will pray for me and sent back hot fire (siamese black magic) to the naughty lady- photo attached.

Thank you. From [deleted], West Malaysia.

Well, this is fascinating in its own right, but I gave it a pass, thinking it was another run at the USD $200,000,000.00 that the African Princess is sending me any day now. Poor thing, what with her parents dead in a plane crash, and her wicked Uncle trying to steal her rightful inheritance. I also have a wicked Uncle who tries to steal my fortune, so I know just how she feels. 

 

In any event, after a few days, I received this note, again from our correspondent in West Malaysia:

Please help. Thank you.

Since he asked so politely, I decided to give him a useful response:

Sounds serious. Are you prepared to make an offering?

I received the following in reply:

Dear sir, I am willing to pay you 50 usd for the whole process. Is your praying strong enough to fight this type of black magic (siamese) and destroy the naughty lady?  Thanks.

Well, it all comes out now, doesn't it? Eight years of hot fire through the blood vessels, and the best he can come up with is USD $50.00? West Malaysian Cheap Charlie! No wonder she called in the magicians! I bet if we take this whole affair over to eBay, she'll come up with a higher bid. What do you think? Do you think countering vintage Siamese black magic comes cheap?

After giving the matter due consideration, I composed the following reply:

My Dear Sir:

Kindly permit me to extend my condolences and offer prayers for the swift resolution of your most unfortunate circumstance. I deeply regret that I cannot be of assistance to you, because I have no occult means to remotely cure venereal disease. Nor do I, given the history you suggest, wish to give a venereal disease to the lady in question. It sounds to me as if she has already managed that on her own, without my intervention. 

Please be usefully advised that my purpose in life is to help rather than to harm: to build rather than destroy. With this thought in mind, anyone can see that the reason she became jealous is because  -- naughty though she may be -- she loves you very deeply. She does not want to share you with anyone else. Given the circumstances, don't you think that is wise?

With all good wishes that both of you may find a helpful clinician, and a strong antibiotic, I remain,

Yours faithfully,

Desire is a sticky wicket, wherein writhes, ensnared, the pale cricket ball of life. Now if you will excuse me, I have to visit the bank. The Nigerian courier just emailed to say that he has bonded the USD $200,000,000.00, and needs a small sum for its recovery. I must hurry, because the Princess is in dire need.