What I should have done is stay in school, manage my money, get a decent profession, and eventually retire: a mild, bookish, part-time dealer in Asian art and antiquities -- old brick storefront up a foggy alley, flat above. How romantic!
There is a white rabbit hopping around the shop floor. He never lets the Buddha enter his mind.
That is what I should have done; then, when I passed away, it would be found I left millions to the Dharma, so all the lamas could taste cool water. For the atomic, smallest moment, maybe the constant din of fundraising would no longer drown out the true guide's words. Do you think it is possible?
At least somebody would benefit, and nobody would get hurt. Its only water, anyway.
Instead, I wasted my entire life studying Dharma, getting into all sorts of crazy situations. I wasted my whole life thinking about books, teachings, temples, statues, sadhanas. I spent a fortune on empowerments. A literal fortune to fill a broken pot.
What a selfish bastard. The greatest lama of the lineage had already whispered in my ear, but I got greedy for more.
I stuck up my head when I should have kept it down, and I missed the main point.
Now, somebody has bombed the Bodhi Tree, and I am no earthly use to the incident. A life wasted studying War, getting into all sorts of crazy situations. Another fortune dwindled to nothing. I should have kept my feelings to myself. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have never mentioned Vajrayana to anyone.
You, who are young and full of energy, please do not confine your studies to the words of masters. Sometimes, maybe, you can find something of value in the sobs of a fool, eating the last supper of his foolishness.